Slept funny again and tweaked a nerve so my right arm is freezing and aches.  Plus I have a headache.  Other than those, things are meh.  Been sleepy all the time and chugging coffee or tea hasn’t been helping much.  Also feeling really apathetic, cold, and distant yet craving socialization.

Lets see, Monday night the cat fell off my bed.  She did that the night before too and was ok, so I found it quite amusing.  Until I found out her legs weren’t working right.  Pretty much she would fall over every time I try and put her down on the bed so I just tried to make sure she didn’t hurt herself by doing something similar.  She got back up on her own after about 15 minutes but I was really freaked out.  So I took her to the vet the next day where she had blood work done.  Came back with no serious problems, just needed a change of diet to prevent kidney failure or something.  I was kinda regretting taking her because it took 2 hours and she hates going there and seemed depressed and lethargic when we got home.  But Amanda seemed really concerned when she found out eventhough the cat’s fine.  Better safe than sorry I guess.

Amanda sounds really stressed and overwhelmed with school and work hasn’t started back up yet.  She called to talk to mom last night but we ended up talking as well.  Total was about 45 minutes.  So that says something to me.  I wish I could help, but there’s not much I can do other than listening and attempting to give advice.  I’m planning on sending some cookies tomorrow and a note or card.  I hope that cheers her up rather than make her homesick.  It shouldn’t do the latter but I’m still a little worried.

And I’m actually working on a new layout for this blog.  I’m just irritated with this one for some reason.  But I’m stuck, I have an image ready to go but I’m not sure what to do with it.  I think it’s a little too happy for me so I may use it for my TCG post insead.  We’ll see what happens.  And I also want to add more content and make it more interactive for visitors.  But I’m not sure where to start…  Any suggestions are welcome!

On a high note, it rained!  Just about all morning I could hear it on the roof.

Filed under: Family, Life, Random, Website by Victoria
No Comments »

No I’m not narcoleptic, at least I don’t think so.  My sleeping patterns have just been way out of wack lately.  I fell asleep on the couch the night before last which never happens.  Then took a nap a few hours after waking up.  And last night I went up to sleep in my bed and was tossing and turning for over an hour when I was dead tired.  Hrm…  Maybe I should just sleep downstairs.

Still unproductive, all I’ve been doing is playing HG and surfing the net.  In HG, I’ve been trying to RNG to breed shinies but I don’t think I calibrated correctly…  So I’m waiting to catch Latias before trying again.  And I’m thinking about playing free MMOs again, I’m kinda intimidated because I don’t know how much has changed.

I know I’ve been saying this for months but I really need to make some new layouts.  This blog is the lowest priority, though I am getting sick of it.

Filed under: Games, Life, Random by Victoria
No Comments »

Still in a pretty bad slump, but I’ll try and focus on other things.  I’m continuing Death Note, part way through vol 6.  Yeah, yeah, I know.  I have this bad habit of buying books/games and not reading/playing them for forever.  Other than Death Note, I have Kuroshitsuji 1, Fruits Basket 18, 19, 20, and Tokyo Babylon 5 to read.  There are way more games than manga right now, but we won’t go there.

Speaking of games, I joined 2 oTCGs.  I’m waiting for approval on one but MissingNO is really fun so far!  My only problem is that I want to collect most of the cards!  I’ll have to work on that.  In Heart Gold, I only need to defeat Red and the game is done story-wise.  But what’s puzzling me is how to fill the dex.  I don’t know anyone who plays pokemon and you need to have seen the pokemon to trade for it in GTS so I’m at a loss…  Guess it’s just training to beat Red and evolving pokemon for now.

Attempted to make gyros tonight.  The meat came out alright, too much marjorm (sp?) in my opinion so I’ll have to reduce it next time.  And I had no idea garlic goes bad.  Well, I did, but I figured it would look worse than the skin being redish brown.  So the creamy sauce (forgot what it’s called) has spicy bits of garlic in it.  And what makes it even worse is that I used Greek yogurt…  Sad day.  I had to add more in to cut back on the spicyness so there’s less for me to eat.

I really need to start a to-do list.  I have tons of stuff that needs to be done that I either forget about or put off.  And it needs to be somewhere that I’ll have to look at it.  But I’ve yet to find such a place…

Filed under: Games, Life by Victoria
Comments Off

Motivation is coming and going so I’m procrastinating.  I know I need to do stuff but I really don’t want to for no apparent reason.  Blogging about whatever randomly comes to mind sounds like a decent alterative.

Amanda’s leaving Saturday.  I’m kinda down because of it, but I’m happy for her.  She’ll be able to see her boyfriend a lot more and get away form the disfunction that is our family.  Maybe I’ll pester her with a lot of texts or e-mails.  That’ll have to depend on life over here though.

MASSIVE Rant Alert!!!

Work on Friday was ok, first half was pretty much easy but by the time I left I was ready to smash a kids head into the counter.  I do not like children.  We had a group of elementary age kids come in and my boss was watching them like a hawk.  She let me stay at the counter so I didn’t have to play an authority figure (which I am bad at) and just take care of other customers.  That went well till half the kids (about 20) decided to come up and get their drink all at once.  Those kids did not know how to take turns.  That and most of them lacked the manners to say please and thank you.  But that’s not the worst of it.  Redemption.  That is (one of) my least favorite activities.  Running the tickets through the counter isn’t bad, but having to tell them what they can get and how many tickets they’ll have left is a pain.  Especially when they keep changing their mind!  These 2 girls were up there for a good 20 minutes before my boss hurried them along because their bus was loading.  If you’re going to spend them, do it.  Don’t waste my time picking things out and putting them back 30 seconds later and yelling at me that you want to get something else when I’m helping someone who knows what they want. /rant

While I’m on the topic of arcades, my family went up to Ludington this past weekend and I went to an arcade with a friend/non-family cousin.  Very tiny arcade, but I think their specialty was mini golf and lazer tag so that was ok.  What wasn’t was that about 75% of the games we attempted to play didn’t work in one way or another.  Couldn’t get 2 player to work for ITG, skeeball lacked balls, a flipper was broken on the pinball machine, and one of the guns wasn’t working for some shooting game.  So I was completely turned off.  Not to mention most of the same redemption prizes we have cost more.  But they did have cooler prizes if you got tons of tickets.  Sorry ranting again.

Nevermind, I think the rest of this will just be a rant.  I wanted to go to the beach and hit House of Flavors and Kilwins when we were up there but none of those happened.  Lots of obligatory eating and everywhere closes early.  And apparently it’s a lot more touristy up there now.  I find that strange because there’s not much of anything to do.  Anyway, on Sunday night I was really feeling like Arbys (or Chinese but I knew there wouldn’t be anywhere open) and I didn’t eat dinner so my sister and I went out at around 10 to look for one.  We found one but it was closed, so I settled for Burger King.  Made a left into a random strip of pavement that didn’t go anywhere but was between there and Taco Bell.  Decided that I wouldn’t drive on the grass but on the wrong side of the road instead.  Went through drive-through and headed back.  Not sure how long it took for me to notice this, but we past the street we needed.  Let me pre-empt the rest of this by saying it was dark.  Ludington has 0 light pollution.  Not to mention it was overcast and I was going about 60 on a country road with almost no speed limit signs.  Back to my story; I saw some hotel comming up and knew I had gone too far.  So I was going to pull in and spin around, no big deal.  Lets just say I thought there was road where ther wasn’t.  A mailbox confused me so I almost drove my dads car down a very steep angle and probably would have hit parked cars or a tree.  Very steep drop + front wheel drive + not knowing where my tires are + manual with a very soft clutch = not good.  I had to psyche myself up for actually trying to reverse when headlights appeared behind me.  Made me panic even more.  They found the drive way to the hotel so I wanted to get out of there ASAP.  Managed to do it without revving or chirping the tires but then had to gun it because another car was coming up behind me who wanted to go faster than 60.  Long story short (too late) pulled onto the wrong street and almost flipped the car but got back without incident after that.  No, my parents don’t know.

Motivation has not returned but I think I’m done ranting.  I seriously need to be in a better mood.

Filed under: Life, Rant, Work by Victoria
Comments Off

I was calm, decent, and nice for a week.  And tonight it blew up in my face.  I’m not really sure how to start…  At the beginning I guess.  We were having dinner and I brought up how I wanted to get out of the house and go to school somewhere far away.  I wasn’t purely serious, just wanted to test the waters again I guess, and my dad goes and escalates things with his tone of voice and jumping to conclusions.  For awhile I thought it would let up as he talked so I just let him go and answer questions when I could.  But I came to my breaking point and started crying because of things he said.  The next hour or so was just musing on different things.  I’ve calmed down, but still.

*sigh*  I’m going to try and get back on the mood stablizer I was on 6 months ago.  But right now I feel so empty and lost.  Ironic considering the avatar I used for my last entry.  I don’t know what to do, who to be, where to take my life.  I fully realized tonight that I’ve been wearing a mask for so long that I no longer know who is underneath.  What do I like?  What do I hate?  How do I deal with things?  But most importantly, what defines me?

It’s so frustrating and depressing, I have all the pieces to the puzzle but I can’t put them together.  I know myself but at the same time, I don’t.  I just don’t know…

Filed under: Bipolar, Family, Life, Musing by Victoria
Comments Off

Wow, I feel so much better than I did!  Nothing bad happened this week (yet) and I feel very calm.  I wouldn’t say I’m “happy” but it feels like I can deal with things and cope if I need to.  Motivation is slowly coming back.

But the thing is, I feel more tired than I did.  Really sleepy.  A real lack of physical energy.  I’m lying down a lot instead of sitting up, it’s really bizzare for me.  I procrastinate sleep for no reason and then wake up fairly late.  I just don’t want to go to sleep for some reason.  But whatever.

I focused on only negative things in my last post so I’ll try to steer clear of that while I tell about what has been happening for the past month or so.  Went to Hawai’i to visit family, ate lots of good food!  Now sushi over here doesn’t taste very good at all.  *sigh*  And no decent shave ice or panya.  Well, Hippo House in Mitsuwa is good, but that requires driving past Chicago.  No Portuguese sausage, manapua, plate lunch or good guava juice.  I miss the food!  Anyway, we went to the beach a couple times (I got sunburnt) and shot guns!  A shooting range was having an event where people could learn about and experience shooting a gun.  My favorites were the bow and arrow and smaller hand guns.  The 9 mil had a bit too much kick back for my liking.  And I fail at rifles.  Everything else I can hit the target with but not a rifle.  It was a military one if that makes a difference, but still.  And the machine gun was pretty cool too.  I wanted to just hang on and let it go, but you had to pay per round so I just aimed it and shot each individually.  Yes, I hit the target with that one too.  Other than that, we didn’t do a lot.  Other than eating and seeing family of course!

My birthday came and went without much event.  Got Jae the Skelanimals wolf plushie, a Stitch figurine and a tea set for one minus the teapot.  All the pieces in the tea set are owls.  So I ended up naming them.  I’ll post pictures later but the cup is Totoro, the saucer is Socrates, creamer is Archimedes, and sugar is Aristotle.  One of these things is not like the others.  But it was fun.

Went down to Purdue to visit a friend and had a burger with peanut butter on it!  It was amazing!  I think the place was called Triple X or something.  Then we watched a movie in a mini theater and it started to storm when we got back to my friend’s appartment.  She was freaked out, but I love storms.  It was nice to see her again.  I think she’s in South Africa now for a geology or anthropology class.

Anyway, my dad’s going to a class in Indy tomorrow and if I didn’t have to work on Saturday I would have tagged along.  But that’s ok, Chicago is better.  Been working on Heart Gold, on the last Johto gym.  It takes me forever to beat a game…  But it’s because I stop playing for awhile.  Also got Dragon Age Origins, worked on that for a bit and traded it off for pokemon at the moment.  Other than that, not much to report.

Filed under: Family, Life by Victoria
Comments Off

*bares teeth*

To start, I could have sworn that I changed the time zone when I installed WP 3.  Just did that as well as upload the images for fanlistings.  Forgot to do that…  So, yes, I switched hosts again.  I worked for the first time in 2 months yesterday so I really can’t afford to shell out $36 a month for hosting.  Finally got that taken care of on Friday.

As for the past month and a half (almost), it’s been stress all the way.  The crap just keeps coming.  I’m not sure what kind of mood I’m in.  Kinda angry teenager seeking attention, kinda psychotic homicidal maniac, and kinda depressed.  Isn’t that a lovely basket of emotions?  Yes, I think so.  That’s why I must share them!

The trip was ok.  Ended up not sleeping from when I woke up on Sunday till I went to sleep when we got back from dinner.  I stopped counting after it hit the 36 hour mark.  But that’s ok.  It was stressful and busy.  There was pretty much no plan and it’s impossible to make a decision about anything until it’s cleared with all parties involved.  It wasn’t all bad though, went to where my parents got married, ate out a lot, went shopping, went to the beach, got to know some of my relatives better, shot some guns.  Just thinking back on it, right now at least, I see only the bad.  I’m just in such a foul mood.

After we got back, things went down hill from there.  My dad was going psycho on us to clear up the house and making a big deal out of every little thing.  I just snapped one afternoon and we got into an argument and he couldn’t see how irritating he was till my mom told him that he’s grating on her nerves as well.  The following week I had a terrible bout of depression and seriously considered suicide.  Don’t get me wrong, suicide is still on my mind but for a whole different reason.  And the week after that I am unable to reveal what took place.  I’ll say that it explains a lot and causes me a long term stressor.  The next week my sister pretty much bomb shelled my dad with a request that involved some stressfull discussion.

So that leads us to this past week.  It’s the most fresh so that’s what I’m going to focus on.  I’ve been talking to a guy I met on Gaia who I really enjoyed talking to.  We started emailing almost a month ago and he takes awhile to respond most of the time.  That’s important, when we first started talking he did that and I confronted him about it twice.  After both times I felt like an idiot, not because of anything he said just at how stupid I was.  Needless to say, that happened again.  The last time I heard from him was the 10th of July.  So a week later, I e-mail him saying hi and I hope that you’re too busy having fun and it’s not because you’re depressed or something.  Let it go for another few days and I had a very strange feeling that he died.  I put off searching around for a couple more days (we’re at Thursday night/Friday morning) but I did get around to it.  One thing lead to another and the pieces fell into place.  Long story short (too late), he ditched his previous account on Gaia without a word to anyone, created a new one and stopped e-mailing me.  Being as pissed off as I was, I hopped on a mule to get answers.  I didn’t identify myself and questioned him.  By the end of it, he had a very good “guess” to who I was but I didn’t reply to confirm or deny.

It’s been 2 days.  Seeing how much I wrote on this, it still bothers me.  I still don’t have a reason to why he stopped contacting me specifically, but I’m not willing to give him that in for him to question me or persuade me to remain friends.  But analyzing it, he really is an idiot.  Socially at least.  He suposedlyvalued my friendship a lot.  If he really did, wouldn’t he have let me know what was going on?  Wouldn’t he have contacted me immediately, whether I was the one questioning him or not?  Well apparently he doesn’t.  He never initiated contact with me. Reply, yes.  But not write to me because he wants to.  I’m, in a word, disgusted.

It feels like every little thing is going wrong in my life.  Not big things, just the small things that keep pushing me to, and sometimes past, my emotional limit.  At this moment in time, my faith in everything emotional and relating to people is gone.  I still long for some sort of a social life, but it’s not worth it right now.  Hopefully that was the last thing for awhile.

Filed under: Rant by Victoria
Comments Off

Ok!  Everything except for toiletries, my laptop and a couple chargers are packed.  I’m all set for tomorrow.  But I’m coming close to hyper-ventalating.  No good reason why, just really anxious.  I don’t want to go because of my parents and family obligations.  It just feels like I’m shutting down, both physically and emotionally.  I feel sick to my stomach, if I could vomit, I would.  And emotionally I’m irritable, lethargic, and depressed.  I just want to get on the plane and be done with it.

But it has been an interesting couple days.  Thursday I went shopping for a swimsuit and all they had was tankinis…  I put on a lot of weight over the past 5 years or so and trying them on was a painful experience.  I got 2 sets.  When we get back I’ll have to start excersizing.

And on Friday, my sister and I were going to drop off library books and see The A-Team but her car broke down.  Thankfuly, we had already dropped off the library books.  First the brakes started to go, but we thought we would make it there and back no problem.  Then at a light the car stalled, neither of us heard it but whatever, we kept going.  Before we got to the next light it had stalled.  Don’t get me wrong, it was still going, but she couldn’t accelerate.  Pulled into a random driveway, power steering and brakes failed but we stopped without hitting anything.  The next hour and a half was spent calling people, she was calling friends to see if someone could rescue us and I was calling my dad, a repair shop, and a towing company.  We both called home in the hopes that my mom would answer the phone but she was mowing and didn’t check the messages when she got in.  Thankfully, Amanda found someone to take us home and the car was towed.  Even better, my dad oked it to be fixed and we picked it up that night.  Oh, and there wasn’t anything wrong with my car so it’s good to go.

I found a wi-fi hot spot walking distance from my grandparent’s house so if it is really there, I may post once or twice durring the next 2 weeks.  If not, you’ll know why.  See you in July!

Filed under: Bipolar, Family, Life by Victoria
Comments Off

Well, I edited the entry to add in the Kurayami walkthrough links and started working on a layout for Shattered-Sky.  Layout is being thrown together because I don’t have any inspiration, I figure the blog layout can wait.  I need to find happier avatars too, most of the ones I have are quite depressing.

Yesterday, I went to a middle school to jog on the track with my sister.  Unfortunately, the gates were locked so we had to hop the fence.  I hate climbing over fences, my shoes never fit nicely in the chain link.  Anywho, we walked/jogged a mile and then walked a least another mile, wasn’t keeping track for that.  We had an interesting conversation about running styles, she jazz runs with short steps and I jog.  Well, I guess I kinda run, but not just with my toes like sprinters.  She jogged almost the entire time and I walked the curves and ran the straights.  We kept about the same distance.  I really need to work on my endurance and muscle strength, my legs feel kinda tight and sore.

Made an appointment for my car because the check engine light is on and I need to take it to Chicago on Monday.  Well, my dad will probably drive it.  You know the family trip I’ve been mentioning?  That’s what Monday will be.  I haven’t started packing or getting things together that I’ll need.  I have no idea what I’ll take specifically, just in general.  But what’s really stressing me out is my parents.  I have a feeling that when we get there, it’ll be chaotic for us.  Prioritizing, planning things out, and actually getting things done.  My dad has to plan just about everything out and nothing has been planned other than our tickets.  I don’t think he reserved a rental car or set anything up for him coming back.  Tangent: Rental car; I would love to rent one but it’s super expensive!  Not to mention I’m under 25 and would have to pay extra everyday.  That’s not what’s bothering me, my dad is only putting one driver on the rental is what’s pissing me off.  He would probably put himself on and not my mom even though he’s coming home a few days earlier!  We (my mom, sister and me) would have to rely on him or my grandpa.  We could take my grandpa’s car on the weekends but he works weekdays.  Grr…  I’ll try and talk to him about it.  Back to what I was saying.  I have a feeling that my dad will be a dictator and plan everything out according to him, not taking into account the rest of us.  We’ll have to see.  But I’m anxious about seeing my family, I haven’t seen most of them for at least 5-6 years.  Not sure how well I’ll get along with them/they get along with me.  Not to mention obligatory family stuff.  Gah!  I don’t want to go!  My ticket has been purchased and it would look really bad if I didn’t go.  A bright spot about it is that’s a free wi-fi hot spot within walking distance from my grandparents house, they don’t have internet.  I deliberately left out where we’ll be going.  In this area at least, it’s a big deal going there.  I want as few people to know as possible (ironic that I blog), but will reveal the location in another entry.

Enough about that!  Something else that’s ticking me off is Gaia.  I’m not exactly sure why, but it feels like everyone on there is really stupid and obnoxious.  All take and no give.  They’ll keep you around when they need you but stop talking when they have what they wanted.  Most conversation is about them and they don’t care about the person they’re talking to.  I admit, I am guilty of this in a few cases.  But I ask about them and they don’t ask anything back!  Make me angry.  I read one person’s post how it’s all about having the best/most expensive avi and not about decent conversation.  Maybe it’s just me, but Gaia is turning into a place where immature teens go to act out, get attention, and be idiots.  Ok, that was 2 rants already.  I’ll just shut up and make dinner.

Filed under: Family, Life, Rant, Website by Victoria
Comments Off

Not really!    Took both doses Wednesday and couldn’t fall asleep.  I was so tierd, but couldn’t sleep.  At my mom’s prompting, I tried again at 8 on Thursday.  Kinda worked.  Had my alarm set for noon, but pushed it back to 1 ’cause I was tossing and turning till about 9.  Then kept getting up.  So at 12:30 I got out of bed because I couldn’t fall back to sleep.  I didn’t feel any more awake, but at least I wasn’t cranky.  So I didn’t take it yesterday and finally got a good nights sleep!  A full 8 hours!  I got up with a headache but that’s ok.  But my dad wants me to keep trying it so I took one dose already, not sure if I’ll take the second.

Now, what else do I need to talk about/share?  Oh!  Saw Alice in Wonderland last night!  So good!  Want it for my b-day!  The Belmont is tomorrow and I can watch it!  I couldn’t see the Derby or Preakness due to work.  But no triple crown…

On to more serious stuff.  My sister bought a bunch of Disney movies on eBay and she’s finding out that most of them are bootlegs.  I thought she knew what she was doing, so I didn’t warn her.  I wish I would have.  Now, she has to send them back.  She was quite depressed and angry last night because of that.  I feel horrible.  That is why I’m leery of eBay.

So, I’m not working this entire month.  Business isn’t good so I can understand why they’re switching the schedule around.  I think I’ll be working in July, so that’s a plus.  I still need to look for another job though.

Now, short story about my dad setting the planter on fire.  He cooked out Friday and my mom suggested he dump the coals in the planter seeing that it’s not being used for anything.  Obviously, my dad agreed.  Stupid, stupid, stupid!  The weeds in it and the planter box caught on fire.  I only found out about it after he put the flames out.  But it was still smoldering so I had to help put it out.  I wouldn’t have minded because hey, the house could go up in flames.  But I did because he was trying to use water.  The faucet in the back is shut off because it’s broken so he was carrying bowls of water outside.  If the faucet would have worked, it wouldn’t have helped my irritation much.  I should have stated this earlier but the planter is made out of railroad ties, which are soaked in oil.  Water+oil=bad  I was going to use baking soda or the fire extinguisher, but he kept sending me back in for more water.  Pissed me off.  Not only that, but he was trying to take apart the planter with a shovel.  Makes sense sans the shovel part, but I offered to help or go and buy an ax a half dozen times and he was being all manly/macho about it.  Grrr…  And it didn’t help that this was at 3 in the morning.  Ok, I’m done ranting.

I need to do a whole bunch of stuff, but I’m too lazy right now.  I’ll get to the trip later, if I start it’s going to be a rant/letting out stress and one rant is enough for this entry.

Filed under: Bipolar, Family, Life by Victoria
Comments Off